Going against the flow

Going against the flow

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People, in general, have never understood the way that I think and/or operate in life, love, parenting, my writing, and a variety of other areas people tend to pick apart in late night phonecalls and over lunch convos with their besties. Growing up an eclectic, free spirited, wide eyed girl in a small sleepy town, I always felt the need to explain myself and my thought process to the people that didn’t understand me. At some point though, I realized that there is a particular type of person that will just never get it, or me, and I am slowly learning that I have to be okay with that. Truth is, I will probably never get them either.

There are two types of individuals in my mind; the ones who go with the flow and the ones who don’t.

Basically, I’m the type who relishes and thrives on the things in this short life that make me smile and spending all of my spare time emersing myself in the things that I love to do. Although I find it completely necessary for myself and my well-being, this has proven to be a hard concept for some people to comprehend.

I often pay a price for the way I live, sometimes it’s a steep one, but can you really put a price on pure and true fulfillment and happiness? I think not. I’ve make a lot of sacrifices over the years to do these things I love to do and to feel these feelings I love to feel, but to me, it’s all well worth it to fill up my soul’s tank and feel at peace within myself, regardless of what that looks like to anyone on the outside.

A lot of peeps don’t get why I can’t just ‘go with the flow’. Well, the truth is, I hate the damned flow. Always have, always will. I wanna see what’s going on the other way, the way that everyone else isn’t going, the way that has a big invisible sign that says ‘Proceed with caution!’. I feel like something fabulously fantastic is hiding there and I want to be the one to find it.

In my humble opinion, the biggest downside to going against the grain, (and you knew damn well there was a downside), is that is you’re gonna go it alone more often than not. You just have to learn to be okay with that if you’re planning on swimming upstream. Everything that is truly great in life comes with a cost.

With age, I’m learning it’s all a delicate balancing act, and I’ve also learned my balance totally sucks at times. Hell, who am I kidding? I have no damned balance whatsoever, but maybe that’s okay after all. Maybe we aren’t all good at balancing. Maybe tripping through life isn’t all bad. Maybe we need some clumsey chaos and mayhem to juxtapose all of the perfectly perfect perfection and balance.

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Much love, Rockin Mom

Thoughts.

Thoughts.

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Along the way I’ve learned that many times,
the ones who feel unloved show the most love.
The ones who aren’t cared for are the ones who care the most.
The uncomforted are the most comforting.
The souls filled with sadness spend their days trying to fill others with happiness.
The broken try to help others heal.

Many times, we seek out what we desperately need for ourselves by giving it to someone else.

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Much love, Rockin Mom

The unspoken truths of autism.

The unspoken truths of autism.

At night time, after the house gets quiet and everyone has gone to bed, my mind races and I sit awake by myself thinking about my family and our life together. I think about the hands that we’ve all been dealt, good and bad. I think about my view on autism, life, and the world and I think about how much it’s changed and evolved over the years.

Tonite I’ve been thinking a lot about the different faces we have met along this winding path.

Our amazing, handsome, thriving baby boy Bug (who isn’t quite a baby anymore) is twelve years old now so we have lived through quite a few years of experiences with parents and experts in the autism community. I wish I could tell you all that everyone has been fantastic along the way but I’m a ‘keep it real’ kinda momma and writer so in true Rockin Mom style, I’m gonna just lay it out exactly how it has all happened.

In the beginning of our journey I had this trumped up, fairy tale fantasy in my head that all the autism parents, doctors, and families would instantly just bond together for the sake of the cause and for the sake of our beloved family members who have autism. I am really sad to tell you that in our experience, it hasn’t always been that way with some of the people we’ve met along the way. I am also sad and ashamed to tell you that there was a time that I feel like I was a part of that very problem.

In the earlier years after Bug’s diagnosis, looking back, there were situations where I know I let my emotions and personal issues get in the way of my advocacy and my ability to help others. That just plain sucks no matter how ya slice it.

The big unspoken truth is, people are people and in this life with autism, a lot of us are still very emotional and raw. I was one of those people and some days I still am. I still feel hurt and wounded some days but mostly these days I feel like a kickass fucking autism warrior!!! :)

There are those people in our lives who aren’t on our same journey but they cross our path none the less. Even in the asd world, everybody isn’t always gonna have your back. It sucks, but it’s true and it’s what’s real.

There’s one big experience in particular that comes to mind to better explain to you what I mean.

Still to this day it burns to the corners of my mind like a brand. It was our first autism screening. We waited for almost a year to see a big name doctor who yawned through our whole appointment and ultimately told us Bug wasn’t autistic because he had a sense of humor and was attached to me. Thanks for the diagnonsense, asshat. We waited without answers, on edge, for MONTHS and MONTHS for 5 minutes of this man’s time and he dismissed us and suggested we put our child on totally unnecessary meds. We were absolutely crushed and devastated. We had been on hold for all that time and we just felt defeated and helpless. We wasted precious time.

The face of someone who didn’t care enough even though it was his job.

Before I got serious about my website I was in a sorta autism ‘clique’ online with some VERY intelligent women and a few men in the asd community. They were all extremely well versed on all things autism and I was more than happy to soak up every ounce of information they could offer me and share our experiences and knowledge in return. I felt I had made some real true friends who understood my life. When I finally launched rockinmomsworld.com everyone was very supportive and seemed to be genuinely excited for me. Several of the people in the ‘group’ knew I had been working towards a degree in graphic design and was finally achieving my ultimate goal with launching my site, but after I began to gain a little attention I noticed my little ‘clique’ began to quickly disappear. The more popular my site and my Facebook page became, the fewer ‘friends’ I had in my little online asd clique. Along the way I’ve come to understand not to take it personally. There’s a lot of competition where websites and blogs are concerned, even in the autism world. To some people, the cause just isn’t as important as personal success. It’s not something I understand and I don’t think I will ever understand it but it’s something I’ve learned to come to terms with because based on other experiences I’ve been through, I have a good idea it’s not changing.

The faces of the ones who walk your path, but who aren’t really on your side.

There have also been a lot of ‘snake charmers’ along the way as well. Ya know, the kind of people who swear they can help but run the first time you ask a question they can’t answer. There have been people who supported us until we disagreed on therapy methods, diet, etc.
People who looked down at us in stores and restaurants and told us to ‘control our kid’. There have been people who have mocked me and tried to hurt my reputation when I disagreed with something based on our own personal experiences. There have been professionals who have treated us like second hand citizens. There have even been people who have gotten extremely mad and hateful towards us for simply not doing things the way suggested to it.

The faces of the people on the other side of bridges I’ve burnt.

The autism world is still the world… It almost feels like an exclusive biodome we’re all living in sometimes but in all actuality that isn’t the way it works. We’re still in the real world and there are still the faces of assholes, liars, cheats, and thieves.

BUT,

Another unspoken truth of autism is how much the other people in the community make up for the assholes, liars, cheats, and thieves. There actually ARE some of those fairy tale fantasy people who are always there for you and have your back! There have been people in the community who have lifted us up when we really needed them. There have been people who have dedicated their time, their sweat, and their love to my child and so many others. There are TRUE ANGELS in the community who are instrumental in the progress of how we all view autism and our loved one’s lives.

The faces of true, real life heroes. The faces that keep me going.

…Brings to mind one of my most favorite quotes that my regular readers have definitely read here before- The sweet just ain’t as sweet without the sour.

So with that said, today I thank all the faces we’ve seen along the way because you’ve lead us to here.

 

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Lymphoma Awareness!!

Lymphoma Awareness!!

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A family member that I have always looked up to and loved dearly is going through chemotherapy soon. She is the most selfless, compassionate, and caring human being that I have ever known and she has truly shaped who I am as a person today.

I can clearly remember her doing kind things for less fortunate people in our community when I was a kid and that always stuck with me and had a true impact on my soul. There was an older gentleman that was well known in our small town, unfortunately it was because he was poor and I don’t think he really had a place to call home. I can remember my family member made him a stocking with gloves and hats so he could at least take some comfort in being warmer throughout the winter months. She was always doing things like that. She worried about the people that others didn’t care to worry about. She always puts others before herself. I have always worked to be the kind of person she is and if I can even reflect just a small amount of that inner strength and beauty then I know I will be okay.

Today she told me she was proud of me and it meant more to me than any material thing in this world possibly could.

She has Cancer but Cancer doesn’t have her. Her love and light can shine through the darkest of moments and I know it’s going to shine through this.

I LOVE YOU KK!!!!!!!!

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What is Lymphoma? Click Here.

 

The haircut from HELL.

The haircut from HELL.

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I just wanted to give my kid a haircut.

Bug’s hair was gettin’ pretty crazy so I decided I needed to get the buzzers out and give the kid a haircut tonight before people start to figure out I’m a hot mess over here. And don’t you be a snitch and tell on me after reading this or any of my other posts! Oh hell, who am I fooling? They know. They ALL know. Hehe. Any-who, I got a towel and got everything prepared in the bathroom for this haircut to go down. I grabbed the buzzers out of the drawer and noticed I was going to have to clean them before I could start on Bug’s hair. Great. They’re my husband’s buzzers and he never cleans them. Yes honey, I totally just ratted you out. Sorry, all in the name of accuracy, ya know?

So this is where everything went downhill and things started to go very very wrong. I was standing over the toilet using a bobby pin to pull the lodged hairs out of the inside of the clippers. As I was doing this I pulled the blade thingy off the clipper head and

KERPLUNK!

That B*itch fell straight in the toilet! I got ready to yell for my hubby and quickly came to my senses and stopped myself. We’ve been married for almost 13 years, I KNEW he’d never let me live this one down. I had to figure that sh*t out, and FAST! I knew I sure as hell wasn’t sticking my hand in there so I looked through my makeup drawer for some sort of tool that would save my A$$! I found an old makeup brush that I thought might be long enough to slide the blade up with and sure enough it was!! I got it out of the toilet and sanitized the ever living sh*t out of that sucker!

 

So then after THAT whole fiasco, I finally got started on the actual mission at hand, freaking cutting this kids crazy mop! I started out where I always do, right by each of his ears. After I was two swipes in I thought to myself, “Shit! I forgot the hair length clippy on thingy!” So I got the length clippy on thingy and put it on the buzzers and finished his hair.

The poor kid had two super short, and very noticeable, spots by each of his ears. So then I thought to myself, “Ok Ash, don’t panic! You can just go around the rest of the bottom of his head without the clippy thingy and even it out. That just might work!”.

It totally didn’t work.

He then had a bad version of a bowl cut going on. So my next thought was maybe I could just blend it all out. Yea, I thought wrong. About an hour into this sh*t show I said f$ck it and just buzzed his whole head!

P.S. He loves it! Bam. Where’s my drink? And my pillow? I need a nap!

 

 

Stuff like this happens to me all the time! Did you hear about the time I mooned my neighbors? ;)

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Life’s little circles.

Life’s little circles.

It’s so unbelievably cool how things in our lives swirl around and around only to eventually connect & come back around full circle.

When Bug was first born I was really into making candles, soap, lotions, lip balms, etc.. I even made a few bucks doing it! My mom runs a bar in a neighboring town so I would take hoards of my stuff down and sell it to her patrons.

After Bug was diagnosed I spent so much time researching autism that I gave up on making all my homemade concoctions. Now, years and years down the road and my research has lead me into essential oils. What an absolutely perfect partner for all of my homemade concoctions!

I love these moments when I feel like the stars have all aligned..I feel like i’m where I’m supposed to be doing what I am supposed to do. It’s an amazing feeling to have so I think I’m going to stop and enjoy it for awhile. I think I know what I’ll be doing this summer!

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