I always tell my son that people are a lot like crystals. The ‘perfect’ ones are never quite as interesting. The cracks in us are much like the cracks in a crystal..to some, they may be a ‘flaw’ but to others, they see that those cracks reflect the sunlight. A perfectly unique beauty of their own
We all walk our own path in life. Some of the people we meet along the way stay with us and walk parallel to us in our journeys, some people intersect with us where our paths meet, and some only act as dead end signs, urging us to turn in a new direction. When these intersections meet and paths cross, sometimes we leave with our souls imprinted. Sometimes it is for good, sometimes for the worst, but we are definitely and eternally marked. Some of these imprints can change our way of thinking while some people choose to live in the familiar grooves of the imprints of someone else. We carry them on us like tattoos or scars, some from battles, some from joy. They impact our decisions, our moves, our choices. Every motive we have grows from one of these paths or one of these scars. They grow into large branches of doubt or confidence, elation or anger, happiness or sorrow. They are the unseen makeup of who we are and where we will end up.
I find my feelings get harder and harder to explain as this journey with my son moves along over the years. When I was mad it was easy to say I was mad. When I was sad it was easy to say I was sad. The feelings I have these days are so different, they don’t compare to any other emotions I’ve ever experienced. I have already been through all of the stages of grief where autism is concerned. I think it happens with most special needs parents…denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, they all come with the special needs parenting territory. Now though, I find myself feeling a whole new kind of feeling that I didn’t expect. It’s the oddest thing, I am so extremely ecstatic to see how far my boy has come and how many goals he has achieved but at the same time I am worried about how I am going to pry myself away from him when the time comes…and I think it will come, in fact, I KNOW it will come. Bug has leaped over every hurdle that has been in his way, I know he will kick independence’s ass too, in true Bug form.
I think parents like myself have a unique and special bond with their kids that other people will just never be able to comprehend. It’s an intense connection that is undeniable and strong enough to shatter life’s barriers along the way. I feel so incredibly lucky to have this type of relationship with my son but at the same time it scares me to think of him leaving me one day, even though I know that it’s always been the goal and what I want for him more than anything. I feel selfish even thinking of keeping with me forever but in my heart of hearts, I would if I could.
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